Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
