Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
