I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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