My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize