I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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