ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
