I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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