Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
