I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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