Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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