dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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