I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
