Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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