I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
