Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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