if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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