My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
