If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
