So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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