He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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