Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
