When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
