I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
