im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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