i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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