I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
