i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
