Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
