dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
