I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
