Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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