My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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