Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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