Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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