the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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