Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
