You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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