i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
