Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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