He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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