is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
