I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
