Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
