I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
