I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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