she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
