so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
