Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
