I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
