Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
