My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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