I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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