he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
