Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
