If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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