Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
