I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
